Music, Music, Music!

Just to make sure I don't tick off every musician on the Net I want to point out that I'm a musician myself, albeit not a very good one - and that a little self-irony has never hurt anyone...
	- If you see your conductor and your oboe player stand on opposite sides of the road, who do you run over first? - The conductor; business before pleasure.
	- How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison? - Shoot one.
	- What's the definition of a minor second? - Two flutists playing in unison.
	- What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? - Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
	- What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? - You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
	- Why did the chicken cross the road? - To get away from the bassoon recital.
	- Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? - So they can park in handicapped zones.
	- What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? - Gifted.
	- What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? - You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
	- If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? - The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that you're hallucinating.
	- How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? - Add vibrato.
	- How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? - Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better they could have done it.
	- How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? - Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
	- What's the definition of a gentleman? - Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
	- What's the range of a tuba? - About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
	- How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? - None. They have machines that do that now.
	- What's the definition of a quarter tone? - A harpist tuning unison strings.
	- Why are a pianists' fingers like lightning? - They rarely strike the same spot twice.
	- How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? - The bow is moving.
	- Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? - Both are offensive and inaccurate.
	- How do you make a violin sound like a viola? - Sit in the back and don't play.
	- How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? - No one knows when to come in.
	- What's the difference between a violist and a dog? - The dog knows when to stop scratching.
	- How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato? - Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
	- Why are violins smaller than violas? - They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
	- What's the difference between a cello and a viola? - The cello burns longer.
	- Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes? - So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
	- Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? - The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
	- How can you tell if a bass player is really bad? - Even the section notices.
	- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? - None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
	- How does a soprano change a light bulb? - She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
	- What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? - You can negotiate with the PLO.
	- What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? - A start.
	- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? - To get away from the noise.
	- What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? - When you plug them in, they both suck.
	- How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb? - One, two, three... one, two, three...
	- How late does the band play? - Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.