American Cyborg - Steel Warrior

I don't know what gets into me sometimes. When I rented this film in my local videostore, I got the impression that it was Cyborg 2. So what? Blow me. Everbody is entitled to do mistakes, even me. I really like the post-apocalypse films. Mad Max 1-2, Hardware, Bronx Warriors or even 2019-After the Fall of New York. But this one really sucked! Strangely enough it has it all, cyborgs, cannibal mutants, action, a large chested heroine and a noble as hell hero.

The story: Women can't have babies. Mary can. She must get to Europe to raise the snotty little thing. She must get through the city alive first. A cyborg is at her tail. A hero Austin (Joe Lara from Dr MacQuinn fame) is in the neighberhood and decides to help her. They run for a while. Then they hide for a while. Then they fight karate for a while. Then they run for a while, and it goes on and on and on and on... Sounds like fun kids? It's not.

Austin looks like he is more concerned about his looks, Mary from a porno flick and the cyborg. Oh, the cyborg. Gee, this is a real homo-looking gay (pardon the joke!) fully equipped with taight leather jeans and leatherjacket. Schwarzenegger might look cool dressed like that, but John Ryan looks like someone out of the Village People. There are three assets in the film though, two of them belong to the heroine and the third is that Bob Keen and Image Animation did the special effects. But I guess they want to forget that they ever heard about this film. I know I want.

What the asshole who directed this mess is called, I didn't bother to check out. Some of you sickos out there might like this mess, but I recommend Nemesis instead.
 

Bunman - the Untold Story

This is not a film for the easily offended. Based on a real life murder case, director Danny Lee has the very bad taste to mix slap stick comedy with graphic violence. His intentions may very well have been to make the film a bit more accessible since the true story is a grim one, but it doesn't work. In Macau, close to Hong Kong, a restaurant owner and his whole family gets slaughtered by one of the employees. The cook then serves the family in the restaurant as filling in buns, hence the title, Bunman. The slightly disturbed cook takes over the restaurant, but after a while the police comes sniffing down his back. After numerous not funny comedy routines with the cops, he's finally arrested. Bunman is thrown into a prison, where the police officers, which I thought was the 'good' guys, tortures(!?) him in order to get an confession; they inject water under his skin and beats the living daylights out of him amongst other things.

This is a sick, sick movie and I wonder what the hell Lee was thinking about when he wrote it. I don't mind graphic violence and sometimes I really want to see a funny movie. But when dealing with a serious story like this, comedy is way out of line. The scenes revolving murder and mayhem is very authentic and well directed. It seems like Lee are a bit like Italian giallo directors, like Argento and Bava, who are at their very best while directing murder scenes. Not that Lee are as good director as they are, but those scenes are the only ones that kicks ass, the rest of the film feels very uninspired. Much of the films credits must go to Anthony (Hardboiled, Full Contact) Wong who's brilliant as the cook gone nuts.

To give this picture a rating is difficult since it's like giving it to two altogether different movies. The comic one involving the police and their work is lousy. Danny Lee has casted himself in the role of chief of police, but without no reason at all, he's surrounded by good-looking hookers all of the time. The other policemen and women are just fooling around trying desperately to be funny and fails. The 'other' film about the Bunman are working on all levels and do not take any prisoners. We are shown everything in graphic detail, and as I said, it's not for the faint hearted. The scene with the family slaughter is very grim and nauseating and is up there on top with the 'viet-cong' scene in Bullet in the Head. Bunman is in a way already a classic, I know that, but without the 'Keystone Cops-scenes' it would been a much better movie. Danny Lee has continued to make films about real-life psychos and did Doctor Lamb with Simon (Naked Killer) Yam. Once again mixing lousy humour with graphic violence. Some people do never learn.

Caligula - The Untold Story

Sleaze pro Joe D'Amato has here made his own $9.95 version of Tinto Brass' $15.000.000 film Caligula. »It makes me happy to see you're all here« sez Caligula and that also goes for the cast. Laura Gemser, Gabriele Tinti, Michele Soavi and David Brandon (who calls himself David Cain here). Caligula is as crazy as in real life and he also knows how to party. Girls are auditioned to get into the wild things that happen in the temple and they go to school to learn how to satisfie a man. Laura has her sister killed by Caligula and she wants revenge. So she joins the girls. So much for story and who needs more? The film's real motive is to show us some violence and hard-core sex. While people lie fucking around two gladiators beats each other bloody and splats it over the people. Then this horse comes walking in and a girl starts to jerk it off! This is sick stuff folks.

Other nice things; Gabriele Tinti gets a sword up his rectum, Michele Soavi has his tounge cut off and other even nastier things are included just for good measure. If Caligula was alive today he certainly would put a sword up D'Amato's ass. Michele doesn't want to talk about this film. I wonder why? My advise is...get hold of it now.

Carnosaur II

I kind of liked the first instalment of Carnosaur. The idea of mutated chickens was so stupid, that it nearly worked. It was both amusing and utterly silly, yeah, I liked it. Carnosaur II on the other hand... sucks! With a blank head, script writer Michael Palmer seem to have been working with the script while watching James Cameron's Aliens. It's all in there. A bunch of tough guys/women being tossed into a mess, guided by a total asshole (working for the company who owns the ill-fated building) and later killed one by one in dark tunnels, sounds familiar? Not only is the story a rip-off, they even have the guts to copy some scenes and some dialogue. One scene involves an helicopter pilot coming to the rescue not realising that an unknown killer is on board. She gets eaten and crashes in front of the crew. Sounds familiar? I could describe more scenes from the movie but why bother?

Not since the awful Robowar have I seen such a lousy, unoriginal movie. I hate myself for seeing crap like this. And if I'm not making my point here, maybe you think I'm lying. Trust me on this one, okay. It's a gigantic dino dropping. Let me put it this way. I love dinosaurs movies (I liked Jurassic Park a lot, so what, sue me). I've always have and always will, but if there is any justice in this world, a T-Rex will devour director Louis Morneau for this shitty excuse for a movie. Former stars(?) like Don (Death Weekend) Stroud and John (Deer Hunter) Savage appear in this movie, and are very likely to be without Christmas presents this year. John Buchler and his MMI has made the rubbery special effects and I can't figure out what's so special about them. The ending is not stolen from Aliens though. It's stolen from Carnosaur part one. A question remains lingering in my brain. Wasn't Carnosaur II supposed to be set after World War 3 according to some ads?
 

Deep Rising

Once in a while in moviehistory the old monster mythos is revitalised. Dracula, Frankenstein (or to be more precise the monster of Frankenstein) and the rest of the bunch. I like monster movies a lot, even the bad ones. I like them so much I even thought for a while that I actually liked Godzilla. Get my point?

The plot of Deep Rising is a mixture of Titanic, Die Hard, Leviathan and whatever by H.P Lovecraft. The first two components might not be as exhilarating as the producers might have wanted, but the monster components of this film are fun. Sure, you've probably read that this film sucks, but it's still a hell lot better than most monster movies made over the last years. It's kind of a poor mans (despite the budget of course, which is spelled B.I.G.) Tremors. It has the same lets-make-a-film-and-have-some-fun-along-the-way mentality that gets right to my heart. Okey, Treat Williams might not be the best stand-in for Fred Ward but he's better than Hugh Grant. And by the way, Mr. Williams made another cheesy monstermovie a couple of years ago with Dead Heat. I liked that one. Come to think of it I liked Hair too. Never mind, Deep Rising is as plotless as the actionmovies come nowadays, no story, just a whole lotta action and unfunny one-liners that hit our eardrums like a bunch of UZIs. But why the good rating you might ask yourself? Because of Rob Bottin's monsters. Forget the f/x in Total Recall, remember this is THE man who did the f/x for classics like Humanoids From The Deep and The Howling. The monsters in Deep Rising are large maggots from the outer depths who squirm their way through the ship, and in the end a big cthululike creature makes it's entrance. I know that most of them are CGI, but they look good and one f/x scene with one of the unfortunately victims of the monsters is sooooo good looking. There is a perfectly(?) logical explanation in the movie from where these creatures come from, but I usually ignore that fact and think of H.P Lovecraft's mystical universe instead. Who knows, it might help you too. There was a comedy show i Sweden last year I nearly missed, in one recurring part a director made action films of old Swedish children's books. Anyhow, every time he introduced his new film he kind of summoned it all up with: It's dark, and it's raining. Rings a bell? Titanic, Godzilla, Hard Rain, Seven, Lethal Weapon 4 and Deep Rising, all have their share and more of water. And we are sick and tired of it now. Stop it! Let the sun shine in! Director Sommers next movie is a remake of The Mummy. If you want to know.

Deep Rising is a monster movie, and nothing more. I know as good as you that it's stupid, I also hate the annoying characthers, I also feel embarrassed during the corny dialogue, but the film is at the end saved by the monsters. Just between you, me and a sixpack of beer, Deep Rising is, if nothing, entertaining, and isn't it what counts when the final curtain falls?
 

Eastern Condors

I'm sort of tired of war movies. Everyone who thought he was someone made at least one Vietnam movie during the eighties. To name a few; Gene Hackman, Sly Stallone, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Marlon Brando and the indisputable King of Vietnam; Reb Brown. The sad thing about the most of the pictures made are the fact that even the Italian rip-offs tried to clean Americas dirty reputation. Nothing new under the sun, so to say (the Vietnam vet as an antihero is also a theme that has been allowed for too long). So it was with mixed feelings I inserted Eastern Condors into my VCR. I like Samo, but dislike the genre.

So caught between a rock and a hard place, I found myself feeling very comfortable. For the record I may say that the film does nothing new for the genre, like Apocalypse Now did, but who cares? Eastern Condors are played for real and these proud condors fly high. A handful of mercenaries, lead by Hung and Lam Ching Ying, are dumped behind the enemy line and find themselves on their own. No back-up is available, since the mission is cancelled at the very last moment. Hung and Ying are the only ones that knows that but keeps this little piece of information to themselves and a suicide mission is ahead. After some small encounters with Viet-Cong the group arrives at a small village where they team up with small time hustler, Yuen Biao, and a totally deranged man, played by the late Dr. Haing S. Ngor from The Killing Fields. Together with some deadly guerilla vixens the multicoloured group sets out to complete the impossible mission. Since Hungs name is a trademark for action, you know what to expect. Armed mayhem and fist fights are included for good measure and it's nothing but first class action we're talking about here. Samo and Biao shows off skills that Stallone never would have thought of in First Blood, in an excellent scene when they even out the odds in the jungle, wiping out »Charlie«. A huge explosion at the end of Eastern Condors bears big similarities of the nuclear explosion John Travolta sets off in Woo's disappointing Broken Arrow. Eastern Condors was released eight years before Woo's film, need we say more? If you're a fan of HK cinema you should be ashamed of yourself if you don't get hold of this classic right away!
 

Emanuelle And The Last Cannibals

You just have to admire Joe D'Amato (Aristide Massaccesi to his mom). When he notices that his Emanuelle flicks are going well at the boxoffice and the cannibals are popular, he simply puts the two genres together. Let's get a lousy budget and some second rate actors and let's kick some ass!

This is how the story goes: Emanuelle (Laura Gemser, Moira Chen to her mom) is working undercover at a mental institution in order to find out how the psychos are treaten. Suddenly a nurse comes screaming with her right tit chewed off. A girl who was found in the Amazon jungle is locked up in the hospital and she has that special taste for human flesh (right on!). How is that for a scoop? Emmanuelle interrogates the girl with some petting (!) and finds out a tattoo on the girl's belly which is the mark of an extinguished cannibal tribe. And after a few soft-core scenes with a Professor Lester (Gabriele Tinti) they are on their way to the jungle. Guess who they meet there. Dr. Butcher, M. D. himself, Donald O'Brian! But here he's an impotent hunter who seeks a lost treasure with his promiscous wife. For a while everybody talks, walks and screws around and you start to wonder if this is a fucking holiday pic! Suddenly they appear, our beloved primates. Wake up boy! No more sleeping! Let's check out some serious rapes, torture and even nastier things. Donald has the misfortune to appear in the 'worst special effect of all time' though. To know how this jungle epic ends you just have to get hold of it. And I promise you that you won't be disappointed. God Bless Joe D'Amato and the land of spaghetti. What would we do if you didn't exist?
 

Evil Dead Trap 2

If Evil Dead Trap was in its way a homage and extension of the slasher genre, Evil Dead Trap 2 pays its tributes to the complex narratives of David Lynch and David Cronenberg. Evil Dead Trap 2 is definitive not a brainless "high concept" movie like Armageddon or X-Men, instead it demands that the viewer pays attention to the film's narrative, the twists of the plot and that he/she believes in the unexplainable. As with Lynch's Eraserhead or Cronenberg's The Naked Lunch, director Isou Hashimoto lets the film slide into unexpected narratives, but not by elaborate special effects or inventive cutting techniques. Instead the film takes its time and in a slow pace the story about friendship, relationship and a complex maze of insanity and violence between three main players take place.

In Tokyo young girls are found mutilated in horrible ways and the killer doesn't seem to make any mistakes and therefore the police can't catch him. TV-reporter Aimi (Rie Kondou), a former pop-singer who wants to be a serious reporter covers the story, but also wants to harass her high school friend Aki (Youko Nakagima) and taunt her for her choices in life. Aki is over-weight and has problems with her social life. She works as a projectionist at a cinema and sometimes, when she looks out from the projectionist booth, she sees a strange child in the theatre that seems to look her straight into the eyes. Aimi introduces Aki to her lover Kurashi (Shirou Sano). Kurashi seems to be a self-confident man and it turns out that he is married. It seems that he and his wife has lost their child, Hideki, some time ago and that Kurashi's wife since has been devastated and refuses to realize the fact that the child is gone. Kurashi now takes comfort with Aimi who wants him to sleep with Aki. Said and done, Kurashi manages to seduce Aki and a triangular drama is at hand. Kurashi seems to get more interested in Aki when Aimi tells him that she's pregnant. Do you follow? Things are a bit more complicated though. It also seems that the child that Aki has seen in the cinema is the ghost of her once aborted child, which she calls Hideki. The ghost of the child also appears in the background of the reportings Aimi does for TV from the murder scenes in Tokyo. Kurashi's child Hideki also seems to come back to its parents and bares a striking resemblence to the ghost of Aki's child. And how is these three persons linked to the gruesome murders? And who is Hideki?

As with several others Japanese horror movies, Evil Dead Trap 2 takes its risks and chances and is not easy to follow. Whereas the first film was more straight forward in its plot, Evil Dead Trap 2 is far more complicated. Or, that will say, maybe it's complicated to us westerners who don't have the necessary keys to Japanese culture and storytelling. On the production side of things the film is well written and well conceived. The photography is beautiful at times, especially in the more violent scenes. It has a lot in common with the old Giallo movies. This also applies to the music and the use of shiny sharp instruments when the film turns violent. But what's holding the film up, even though its plot is hard to get a firm grasp of, is the cast and foremost Youko Nakagima as Aki. She manages to portray the sad and tragic figure with heart and credibility.

Not as ultra-violent as the first film or as imaginative, Evil Dead Trap 2 has more to tell than you might expect from the first viewing. But, don't let that scare you off, if you're a fan of Japanese horrorfilm you'll definitive not be disappointed.

Evil Dead Trap

Godzilla country once again proves that they are not only good at doing samurai pictures or modern day action films, but also has a reputation at doing nasty little films like Tokyo Decadence, Entrails of a Virgin and Evil Dead Trap.

In an attempt at unravel a potential snuff movie, a female reporter (Miyuki Ono) gets, along with some of her colleagues, involved in a vortex of horror. Guided by the first sequence of the snuff movie they find the scene of the crime, an old army base. The girl from the film is found stone dead and they'll soon find out that they're the next ones to be snuffed out. That's the plot, which does not spell »original«, but despite the simple plot Evil Dead Trap is serious shit! This is what all those worthless American slasher movies in the eighties tried to be, but failed. In the firm hands of director Toshihara Ikeda, the genre is given new blood. E.D.T. has the looks of a bastard son of Dario Argento and Sam Raimi and the physical strength of Tsakamoto's Tetsuo films. Ikeda avoids the sentimental parts and what easily could have been a very boring picture with people running around, becomes a claustrophobic nightmare. The sets are used to an maximum and really feels a bit uncomfortable with long corridors and slightly tumble-down looks. The killer, who's a blend of Argento's glove wearing killers and the murderer in The Prowler, plays a vicious, deadly cat and mouse-game with the innocent people trapped within his domains. The killings are gruesome, bloody and highly inventive and will surely make you reach for the rewind button to see them again.

The fact that you've seen it all before gives the film, in an odd way, its strength. It's both a homage to the genre and a statement that the land of the rising sun can make the scariest of them all. The thing about E.D.T. is that it steals from so many sources that it becomes original, just because of that. It starts in one direction, and ends in another. There are some other directors that may have influenced this close-to-masterpiece, but it's up to you to find out who they are. The resemblances to Argento is also not able in the soundtrack, which is reminiscent of Goblins' score to Deep Red. Sadly enough I can't tell too much about the dialogue, since the version I saw didn't have any subtitles, but the pure looks of this celluloid nightmare makes it worth its 100 minutes running time. There are at least two sequels to E.D.T., and the word goes that they're just as good as this one. So, what the hell are you waiting for?
 

Fight Club

First rule is that you do not talk about the Fight Club.
Second rule is that you do not talk about the Fight Club!
Enough talk, see it! Or get brutally beaten!
 

Fist of the North Star

Once again a proof that the American filmmarket has gone low on ideas and has to take a shot at the Asian way of filmmaking. This time'round the cult manga Fist of the North Star has made it's way to the silver screen with real actors and some fairly impressive sets. Randel whose previous sins includes among others the not-so-good Hellbound and the fourth instalment of The Amityville saga, does a helluva lot better work here than in his attempt to explore the complex world of Clive Barker. In Fist of the North Star there's no complextivity at all. Good vs evil, an apocalyptic world and no human emotions in sight.

Gary Daniels stars as Kenshiro, the Fist himself and he has some unfinished business with the leader of the rival gang Southern Cross, Shin (Costas Mandylor from Picked Fences). Shin has made Kenshiro's life a living hell by stealing his girlfriend and take the life of his father. This gives a good opportunity for some violence and bloodshed. As often with American martial-arts movies the editing takes the edge of the fights, but Daniels is a gifted fighter and saves the fight sequences. On the other hand the Americans are quite good at making neat looking sets and give the film a fine surface to look at. Costas and Chris Penn (Reservoir Dogs) seems to have a ball with their roles. Gary Daniels has lately done a great deal of movies and Rage by Joseph Mehir gives his fighting abilities more elbowroom and he does also a hilarious performance in Wong Jing's City Hunter opposite Jackie Chan. As pure exploitation violence and bad influences on young guys, including me, it works, even though Wicked City by Mak Tai Kit is a far better live action Manga movie and where Mortal Kombat kicks ass, Fist of the North Star is good, solid entertainment any day of the year.
 

Full Contact

Favorite Chow Yun-Fat is back in another Hong Kong actioneer. This time from the talented Ringo Lam who has done several films before like Mad Mission 4 and Prison on Fire. Fat plays small time robber Jeff, who gets into some serious shit (no) thanks to his pal Sam (played by Anthony Wong from Hardboiled )Sam convinces Jeff to get into a job with his cousin, (Simon Yam who've been seen in Bullet in the Head and The Black Cat). Yam has two fabulous partners, one big ugly not-so-clever bodybuilder and a girl called 'Virgin', who certainly don't live up to her nick-name. When they're on the job,Jeff and Sam is betrayed and Sam is forced to snuff Jeff ( this sounds like an soap opera). Or that is what the bad guys thinks. Sam only got a few fleshwounds and soon comes back to claim a bloody revenge. Ringo Lam is one tough director. The violence in Full Contact is very brutal and well directed. There is a scene at the end of the film where we, the audience, fly with the bullets through the air and it's God damn excellent action scenes. As many of the Asian movies the film's real motive is to explain the gift of friendship and loyalty ( and in Yam's case he got a crush on Fat), mixed with action.

Full Contact may very well be, together with Hardboiled, one of the toughest action films yet to leave Hong Kong. Not as breathtaking as John Woo or as leg-kicking fun as the In The Line Of Duty series, Full Contact is still a brilliant actioneer and I do regard Hong Kong and its directors as the future of action (at least until 1997). And I think I've got a crush on Fat too!
 

The House On Haunted Hill

The seemingly endless flood of horror films continue. The corpses in Sleepy Hollow aren't even cold and the annoying screams continue in Scream 3 and more bloody teeny weenies die in Final Destination and if that's not enough here's another movie that's out to destroy our beauty sleep.

As always when the inspiration runs dry (the little that actually exists in contemporary Hollywood cinema) the producers look into the archives, desperately seeking to update some old film to present to a new audience. This time around the luck (?) has come to old geezer William Castles classic House on Haunted Hill from 1959. This is the film where Castle had a moving skeleton rigged in the cinemas that was set to scare the hell out of the audience in its time. Today a gimmick like that would cost too much to realize, so what does the remake has to offer? Well, to start with, it's not that bad at all. Or, it's not all that bad. The story is nothing particular. Five persons are offered a million bucks to stay over night at an old asylum, that is... if they survive. The host of the party Steven Price is a thrill-seeking millionaire with a very bored wife Evelyn who thinks that parties like this livens up the mood. Soon it becomes appearent that the gimmicks that Price brought with him are nothing compared to the thing the house has in store for the unfortunate guests.

From the opening titles to the end of the film there are no surprises, it's done by the book, by the numbers. But nevertheless William Malone (Scared to Death) manages to pull the film through. Sure, the ending comes all too sudden and leaves a foul taste but there is moments in the film that are really good. Geoffrey Rush seems to have a great time in his role, doing his Vincent Price to the extreme. Famke Janssen is soon to be a new Katarina MacColl in America if she continues to do these small horrorfilm (remember Deep Rising?) and a film that has Jeffrey Combs as a crazed doctor called Dr. Wannacutt is to be hailed. Sure, the film lacks in several ways. The little blood, stupid Marilyn Manson music, too many flat characters that are only in the film to die in horrible ways and a too obvious ending do make me feeling ambivalent toward the film. But what the hell, the sound effects should be nominated for a Academy Award, the set pieces are stunning and some scenes are quite chilling which makes the film worth watching.

And the verdict? Well, if you're tired of whatnot by Wes Craven and already has seen Sleepy Hollow and thought that The Haunting was a bit too lame, see The House in Haunted Hill. There are many worse ways to waste 90 minutes of your precious life.
 

Love Camp

Let's face it. This isn't a good movie. This is a bad movie. This is a boring movie and most of all, a damn waste of time. Love Camp plays like a drunk Joe D'Amato on autopilot. Lots of naked girls, a lot of fucking and some funky, groovy disco scenes! It doesn't matter that superstar Laura Gemser and Gabriele Tinti has the leading parts, this film is as dead as Lucio Fulci. A guy with golden hair leads a 'love sect' where the participants live like hippies under direct orders from love-goddess Gemser. The police wants to close the camp (fascists!). After a looong while the film turns into a Jim Jones story ˆ la Eaten Alive and everybody except the golden haired guy and his wimpy girl survives. The only thing fun in this so called 'film' is a wild karate fight at the end. You can really see how the actor struggles to do something that slightly reminds of karate, and the director off screen convincing him that 'it will look okay when we edit the film'. It didn't look okay, but what the hell, neither did the rest of the film.

To put ut in another way: Christian Anders' Love Camp has the looks and the smell of Jess Franco. But it isn't, still it's only for you guys who think that zooming in and out of vaginas is the main component of a fun Friday night.
 

Living Dead at Manchester Morgue

Yes, here we have a personal favourite. This sucker delivered the goods four proud years before Dawn of the Dead. Of course it was made in Italy, a land full of people who really know how to satisfy gorehounds like me. In England, a bunch of scientists have developed a new way to handle the problems with vermin. A highly effective ultrasound which kills vermins on the spot. And, sadly enough, awakens the dead. The heroes in this one are an antique dealer (Ray Lovelock) and a beautiful girl (Christina Galbo). When the girl's sister's husband is killed by a zombie the police naturally suspects our hero. The police detective, wonderfully played by Arthur Kennedy, forbids our couple to leave town (we're not talking originality here). Anyway, the zombies wake up slowly and start to kick some ass (make up by genre-fave Gianetto deRossi).

Director Jorge Grau has made one of the best zombie-films ever. It looks good and has a good cast both in front of and behind the camera. Sure, it might be a bit slow sometimes, but you got to remember that the film is almost twentyfive years old. So; check it out! Oh, and get the uncut version only. The English version available lacks nearly two minutes of glistering guts.
 

The Ninja Mission

From the shadows they come, the ninjas. The deadly Japanese warriors, who are more deadly than a cobra and more mysterious then whatever is hidden under the surface of planet Mars. The early years in the eighties produced more ninja movies that you could keep track on, and strangely enough, the best of them all was Swedish. Sure, the Menahem-Golous produced films with Sho Koshogi had more money in the production and Lee van Cleef was the coolest of them all. But, Mats Helge Olsson's The Ninja Mission was the underdog that put the ninjas into a James Bondish story involving bad Russians and good-hearted Americans (remember the cold war where still at large when the film was made, like Renny Harlin's Born American. Which by the way was shot in Finland) mixed with ultra violence and gore. By far a box office hit at any time of production; Mats Helge managed to get the film released worldwide and it is the most income bringing film from Sweden to date. Mats Helge, who is the Swedish answer to Joe D'Amato, Bruno Mattei or Jess Franco, did so to speak hit the motherlode with his ninjafilm. The Ninja Mission is a rare treat, an original movie to come from a Swedish director and is yet to be surpassed in its genre. It is the way the film is brought to the viewer the answer to its success lies. The lighting of the set pieces is moody and attractive (if perhaps a bit dated), the editing is slick and fast and the cinematography is flawless. On the minus side is the acting (not helped by second grade dubbing), the script and the lack of a decent budget. Nevertheless does the film capture a certain tension and nerve, which is, strangely enough, helped by the above mentioned limitations. It s hard not to love a film that hits from below. Or rather cuts, kicks and hits from that position.

The story for you who don't know: Professor Markov has solved the energy-problem, but is captured in Russia. The C.I.A. is going to get him out, but no thanks to Markov's backstabbing secretary he is brought back to Russia to hand over his invention. Markov does not realize this and thinks he's in Sweden and co-operates with the baddies. No one in the audience gets surprised when the ninjas working for the C.I.A. arrive and save the day. Okay, I haven t told all the sub-plots or twists and turns, because that s really up to you to find out. The Ninja Mission deserves to be seen, not because it's great film, like The Fight Club, but because it's Swedish and without independent filmmakers the movie market would be as dull as watching an ice cube melt. And The Ninja Mission does have some inventive action sequences and is on the border to being over-violent at times. I know you at least will appreciate that. So get your copy now, or be aware that something, or someone, may be hiding in the darkest corner of your home. Waiting to slit your throat.
 

Pedicab Driver

Samo Hung is definitive one of the best fight choreographers in Hong Kong Cinema along with Jackie Chan and Ching Siu-Tung, but he's a lot more than that. Ever since the day I saw Painted Faces, Samo Hung stole a bit of my heart. He has a charm reminding that of the great Chow Yun Fat, which I think sez it all, really. The film slowly starts with Hung and Liu Chia Liang (Tiger on the beat) trying to impress on a good-looking girl called Ping. After some love troubles the films pace changes rapidly when Hungs friend and newly wedded wife gets attacked by your ordinary HK gangster gang. What began as a charming comedy turns into a vengeance flick. It's a fascinating phenomenon these changes in the story line. As with many of the action films made in Hong Kong, every genre possible is included into the films. Just because it's a violent heroic bloodshed pic doesn't mean that silly jokes must be excluded. Strangely enough the HK cinema never lose it's thread and stays homogeneous throughout the whole screening, even though it leaps from romantic drama to one hour long gunfights. As a true master does Hung string together the charming love story with the violent ending so it makes perfectly sense. As with a Jackie Chan movie you also want some serious kick-shit martial arts to look at. I promise that you won't be disappointed. Three major fight scenes are included and they're all as good as they can get, never the less, a fight between Hung and an casino owner (Lau Kar Leung) at the middle of the film is a real treat. The end fight with Billy (Escape from Brothel) Chow is more vicious and brutal and Hung shows his incredible acrobatic skills in spite of his plump physique. He's not called »Fatty« without reason. Look out for Lam Ching Ying(Mr. Vampire, Magic Cop) in a small role. Pedicab Driver is not as big as Hung's Shanghai Express but still manages to be filed under: One damn fine movie.
 

The Phantom Of The Opera

It makes you wonder, doesn't it? How come one of the most celebrated and talented horror director of all times went empty on ideas? Dario Argento has the last thirty years given birth to cineastic masterpieces like Suspiria, Inferno, Opera and Tenebrae, and has inspired the likes of Michele Soavi, Quentin Tarantino and Peter Greenaway. So what has happened? It really makes you wonder.

As you all know The Phantom of the Opera is from the beginning a novel by Gaston Leroux, and has been approached by quite a few movie directors before, not to forget the highly successful musical version written by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It's a melodramatic and poetic story that contains love, jealousy, murder and sex. To put it simply, it has all the components for a great film experience. I was thrilled to see Argento's version of The Phantom of the Opera because he has been close to the subject before with the brilliant Opera. So, why has the former auteur Argento failed? There are lots of answers to that question, but foremost I think that the man hasn't got any inspiration left.

At a press conference at Stockholm Film Festival Dario Argento said that his next movie, which will start shooting next year, is going to be a return to the giallo-genre. The biggest difference is that he will work with non-actors. He has the ambition to use real prostitutes in the roles of prostitutes and so on. A step back to the old neo-realism that Italian directors like Lucinti Visconti with The Bicycle Thief, made famous in the forties. Maybe he has seen the recent Dogma films and has been inspired by the lightness of their film aesthetics or the tactical refusal of cinastic beauty. Argento talked about this in a very inspired mood. Nevertheless, Dario Argento's vision of The Phantom of the Opera is as far away from the Dogma project as possible and any inspiration is nowhere to be found. Sweeping craneshots, excessive lightning and a musical score by another icon, Ennio Morricone. In the lead roles we got once again Asia Argento, playing in a film by her father, and the Udo Kier of American / English movies, Julian Sands. On the paper this seems like a hit but to be totally honest, everybody involved screw things up. If you thought that Brad Dourif was overacting in Trauma? Wait until you see Julian Sands in a heavy metal hairdo make love to a bunch of rats!? That REALLY makes you wonder! Asia Argento is an as lousy actress as her father looks weird. And he seems to be really weird on the inside as well. If you thought he went hard on Asia in The Stendahl Syndrome, wait till you see this one. He exploits his dughter body with transparent clothes and she appears in some revealing sexscenes with Mr. Sands. Nothing wrong with it, she really is beautiful. But one of the sub-plots in the film consists of some old pedophiles that are in love with ten-year-old ballerinas. A pointless sub-plot, that feels uncalled for. Its more interesting the way Dario himself exploits his dughter in the film, which leaves the foul smell the sub-plot should be giving the audience. A father shouldn't expose his flesh and blood like that. Or is the sub-plot about the pedophiles a catharsis for Argento? That also makes me wonder.

Argento also stated that he thought the animals he has worked with (the rats in The Phantom of the Opera, the insects in Phenomena and the maggots in Suspiria) are potential Oscar winners, and that film actors today aren't as good. I agree that the animals are good, but on behalf of all good actors working today, I must say to Argento that it's really up to him who to work with. Perhaps he has to come to terms with that he is not an actor director, but an action director. And even that aspect of the movie is a total mess. The camerawork by the otherwise competent Ronny Taylor (Ghandi, Opera) is shoddy, unimaginative and boring. The lighting is laughable, especially in a scene in the catacombs under the opera house. The scene contains a couple that has stalked the phantom in search for a supposed treasure. There is no natural light down below, besides their torches, but the clumsy light boy turns on and off the lights so out of sync with the torches that it looks like there is a lamp in every corner.

Since Argento is more famous for his cineastic skills involving murders and suspense, perhaps the film should deliver at least some inspired scenes. But it looks like those scenes in Phantom of the Opera were directed by Bruno Mattei or Joe D'Amato rather than the master of suspense. Forget you ever heard about this film or read this review and insert Suspiria, Tenebrae, Opera or why not Deep Red into your precious VCR. Those films will make you understand why you are into these kinds of films in the first place. The Phantom of the Opera won't.
 

Sleepy Hollow

The horrorfilm is back at the cinemas. Over the last years films like The Haunting, <Iand The Blair Witch Project have scared moviegoers around the world, and now has one of the few auteurs in Hollywood released his last masterpiece, Sleepy Hollow. Tim Burton is a strange director, who even in the hands of the producers, as with the Batman movies, still manages to get his vision out. He has a certain trademark in the mise-en-scene that gets the viewers' attention at once, just look at Beetlejuice or Batman Returns and you know what I mean. But Sleepy Hollow is by far the most mystical and beautiful film Burton has made to this day. It's the film he was made to make. A horrorfilm that goes back to the roots, and enchants the viewer from the very first frame of the film.

In the little village Sleepy Hollow something is lurking in the western woods. It appears like a headless ghost is visiting Sleepy Hollow at night and is decapitating the residents for no apparent reason. But it is a ghost and no one dares to catch him and the heads are never found. From New York young police Ichabod Crane is sent to solve the case with modern techniques. The latest of 1799 that will say. But, what he finds in Sleepy Hollow is far beyond his worst nightmares.

Washington Irving wrote the legend of Sleepy Hollow over two hundred years ago, and it has been made for the silver screen before. And it's no wonder; it's a classical story involving ghosts, conspiracy theories and a cute love story. In other words a perfect tale to scare your kids before they go to sleep. But Tim Burton has taken it a step further and the decapitations appear as frequent as Freddy Kruger tells bad one-liners. The acting in the film is inspired, and Johnny Depp overacts in a beautiful manner, Cristina Ricci is cute and Jeffrey Jones is as good as ever. Small cameos from Christopher Lee and, Burton trustee, Michael Gough, both known faces from the Hammer films of the sixties and seventies, makes Sleepy Hollow a homage to old horrorfilms and their stars. Which the set designs also does. The town of Sleepy Hollow and it's surroundings look like illustrations from some old horrorbook and it's no wonder the film got an Oscar nomination for it. It's creepy and beautiful at the same time and without hesitation has Tim Burton managed to present the stuff nightmares are made of. A horrorfilm for ages seven to hundred worth seeing more than one time.
 

Tetsuo - The Iron Man

If you got confused by the story of Twin Peaks and never understood the plot of House by the Cemetery then don't even think about figure out this Japanese cyberstuff! With camera-moves and angles that even should confuse Sam Raimi and a very bizzare plot this is one rare and exiting experience. Our hero, Salaryman's (Tomoroh Taguchi), body starts one day to produce metal. In the beginning he just has some minor facial problems, but when he is equipped with a larger than life drill in the croutch and he litterary fucks his girlfriend to death then things gets out of hand. But he is not alone to be a metaldude. Director Tsukamoto plays the bad dude, a piece of rust who slowly comes closer to our tragic Salaryman. As with the Godzilla series the fights goes on forever and when we have two men made out of metall, they can go on for quite a while. Tetsou is so bizzare that you sometimes fear for your own safety when looking at it. As this is kind of an 'arty farty' film I guess that I haven't understood half of the film's real motives, but what the fuck. I enjoyed it and in the end isn't it that that counts? But see the film and if you understand it, write a letter and explain it to me. And in the meantime I'll go and see it again, just for the hell of it.